The Thanksgiving break can be a revealing moment for many parents. Your college-aged young adult comes home, and what you hoped would be connection, warmth, and rest instead becomes a wake-up call. Maybe you noticed they picked at their plate. Maybe you saw anxiety take over at mealtimes. Maybe the weight loss was undeniable. Maybe the mental load of “trying to manage it on my own” finally cracked through in their exhaustion or irritability.
No matter the specifics, you’re left with the unmistakable truth: Your young adult is struggling. And they need more support than they’re currently getting.
As a psychologist who has walked with families through this for decades, I want you to hear this clearly:
Being over 18 does not magically grant someone the capacity to make fully healthy decisions – especially when an eating disorder is involved.
In fact, eating disorders take that capacity. They distort judgment, minimize risk, and push the person further into isolation. The part of your young adult that “doesn’t want help” is often the part shaped by the illness, not the part that knows they deserve a full, connected, healthy life.
And this is exactly the moment where your role as a parent still matters immensely.
“But They’re an Adult…” Yes, And That Doesn’t Mean You Step Back
Parents are often told, directly or indirectly, that once their child turns 18, they should back off. Let them handle things. Let them take responsibility. Let them “be an adult.”
But here’s the truth: If your young adult is not financially independent, they are not fully independent.
And independence is not something we pick and choose when it’s convenient.
If you, the parents, are paying for tuition, housing, groceries, their phone, their health insurance, or the countless other supports that allow them to function, you are still very much involved in their safety and wellbeing.
You’re not being controlling. You’re being responsible.
An eating disorder does not suddenly deserve the steering wheel simply because someone turned 18.
When Denial Shows Up… “I’m Fine; You’re Overreacting”
Some young adults will minimize or deny the problem. This is common and usually, it’s the disorder doing the speaking.
You can respond with calm clarity:
“I love you too much to pretend this isn’t serious. What I saw over Thanksgiving worried me, and I’m not going to ignore it. Let’s figure out the next steps together.”
Keep the tone steady, not dramatic, not panicked. You’re not debating their perspective; you’re anchoring your own.
When They Know They’re Struggling – But Feel Stuck
Some young adults fully understand something is wrong but feel overwhelmed by the idea of change. They may say things like:
“I know I need to do something…I just can’t right now.”
“I don’t want to gain weight.”
“I don’t want to leave school.”
“What if treatment ruins everything I’ve worked for?”
These are fear responses, and again, fear is amplified by the eating disorder.
You can offer confidence without pressure:
“You don’t have to solve everything at once. But we can’t leave this where it is. Let’s take the next right step.”
Small steps count. An evaluation. A physician visit. A dietitian. A therapist. A program. The important thing is movement towards health.
When They Are Willing to Consider Help
If Thanksgiving was the moment that awoke the denial or avoidance, it’s a powerful opportunity. Many young adults describe this point as the moment they realized they were tired thinking about food all day, tired of being anxious, tired of missing out on the life they’re supposed to be living.
Support them by helping with logistics:
- Researching providers
- Finding programs that specialize in young adults
- Helping navigate insurance
- Scheduling appointments
- Offering to go with them, or meet providers with them
This Is the Time to Parent – Not the Time to Step Back
Your young adult may feel grown in many ways. They are building independence, forming new identities, and navigating adult responsibilities. But when it comes to mental health—and especially eating disorders, your presence is essential.
You can say:
“Being 18 doesn’t mean you’re expected to handle this by yourself. I’m still your parent, and I’m going to help make sure you’re safe. That’s not control. That’s care.”
You are not infantilizing them.
You are not taking away independence.
You are honoring reality: eating disorders compromise decision-making. And early intervention saves lives.
If You’re Feeling Helpless or Unsure What to Do Next
Most parents describe this stage as confusing, scary, and overwhelming. You’re not alone in that. You are also not supposed to have all the answers.
What matters most is that you show up with:
- Clarity: “This is serious and needs attention.”
- Consistency: “I’m not backing down because I care about you.”
- Confidence: “We can take steps forward together.”
You can’t force recovery but you can create the conditions where recovery becomes possible
This Is Not Your Fault – And You’re Not Expected to Do This Alone
Eating disorders have one of the highest mortality rates of all mental health conditions. They can be life-threatening, not because your young adult is reckless or stubborn, but because the illness is powerful.
But so are you.
Your influence, your steadiness, your willingness to lean in, even when it’s uncomfortable, matters more than you realize.
If you need guidance, direction, or someone to help you navigate next steps, that’s exactly what my consultation work is designed for. Parents are never meant to figure this out in isolation.
Confidence creates change. Together, we can help your young adult find their way back to a life that feels safe, connected, and whole. Contact me to schedule a consultation.