One of the most common—and most heartbreaking—misunderstandings I see in eating disorder treatment is the belief that once a child turns 18, they are fully independent and must be left to manage their own care.
In theory, turning 18 signals adulthood. In practice, it’s rarely that simple—especially when an eating disorder is involved.
The Myth of Independence
Parents are often told (by well-meaning friends, even professionals) that because their child is legally an adult, they should take a step back. But here’s the reality: if your 18-, 19-, or 22-year-old child is still financially dependent on you, emotionally struggling, and battling a serious eating disorder that affects their thinking, behaviors, and physical health—you’re still a central part of their care. You matter. Your role is vital.
Let’s also remember something. An 18-year-old brain is still developing. Add malnutrition and the cognitive effects of an eating disorder, and what you often get is not sound, healthy decision-making. You may hear “I’m an adult, I can make my own choices,” when in fact, the eating disorder is the one making those choices.
Your Role Doesn’t Expire When Your Child Turns 18
This is where many parents feel stuck. They don’t want to overstep, and they certainly don’t want to lose the relationship with their child. But stepping back entirely is not the answer. What your child needs—perhaps more than anything—is for you to stay present, firm, and compassionate.
You can say things like:
- “I understand that you’re technically an adult, and I want to respect that. But if you are unable to make choices that keep you physically and emotionally safe, and I’m still supporting you, then I will step in to help guide healthier decisions.”
- “This doesn’t mean I’m taking over or trying to control you. It means I care too much to let the eating disorder steer your life.”
This doesn’t eliminate the possibility of collaboration. Quite the opposite—it opens the door for a healthy parent-child dynamic that recognizes your child’s autonomy while still protecting their well-being.
A Message for Professionals
If you’re a clinician working with young adults and not including their families in some capacity, you may be missing a critical piece of the puzzle. Parents are often left out—not because they’re unwilling, but because they’re told they don’t belong in the process anymore. That’s not only inaccurate; it’s potentially harmful.
Eating disorders thrive in isolation. When we empower parents to stay engaged, set boundaries, and support recovery—even when it’s hard—we offer the best chance for lasting healing.
Final Thoughts
If you’re a parent of a young adult with an eating disorder, know this: your job isn’t over. It has simply shifted. Your child still needs you—perhaps now more than ever—not as a passive observer, but as an informed, steady source of strength.
You don’t have to do it alone. Support is available to help you navigate this difficult road with clarity and confidence.